So I wake up and see my glasses on the floor, not where I left them and not really a good sign. An hour later, I'm zipping down Interstate 81 squinting through the lens of dried dog slobber and bite marks. Historic Courthouse - I know this because there is a Confederate soldier statue in front. Judge calls my case and a couple with their daughter, in her early twenties, come forward. The woman starts talking about how her husband lost his job, hasn't paid any bills and is good for nothing. Judge asks the man why he isn't working. The woman looks up at the judge, "Oh, this isn't my husband." "Who is he?" "He's my boyfriend." "Still married?" "Yes, your honor." Hmmmmm. At this point a man in the front row jumps up (I'm thinking "husband") and yells, "Judge, I manage this property and they have ruined it. There's pee stains everywhere and it looks like they're cooking meth!" "Have you called the police?" "They aint good for nothing!" The judge asks the woman, "What about the condition of the property. Do you have animals in the house?" "No your Honor. The pee stains are from my husband." No questions from me. The judge scratches his head, "Maybe you can work something out with Mr. Gardner. The 20 yr old decides to enter the fray,"C'mon Momma, that cheap suit aint gonna help us." I missed the rest of the testimony because I'm now looking down at the lining of my suit - Tom James Co. - and thinking I might need to call Doug Kidd. At that point the judge says, "Mrs. Smith, I'm going to order possession for the plaintiff. You're going to have to move." "Mrs. Smith?. My name is Jones. I don't know any Mrs. Smith." Evidently, they approached for the wrong property. Perfect witness. Another big win for me. Hardly have enough time to light a cigar when traffic comes to a complete stop. As I'm dictating this, a car behind me rolls up and hits me. I jump out and the woman rolls down her window and says "I didn't feel a thing!" A puff on the cigar, "What. What are you talking about?" She gives me a look and says, "I didn't feel a thing....you know, when I ran into you." Another stellar witness.
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