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  • Scott Gardner

Practicing in SW VA. - Talking like an Attorney

Updated: Oct 10, 2019

Part 14. Representing my favorite client - me. I filed a suit as a private citizen in Charlottesville for damages to my car. So I’m sitting in the back of the courtroom, no a/c. I haven’t sweated this much since sleeping in a sauna suit trying to make weight for the Lewis wrestling team. We are the last case called. The defendant has a high-priced attorney. I know he’s expensive because he’s carrying a briefcase and wearing a bow tie. The attorney calls the judge by name and there is some banter about the heat. He then proceeds to lay out several motions which would continue the case into the fall. I respond, “blah, blah, blah, no continuance, blah, blah, blah.” (Translated from Latin.) The judge looks at me and says, “Mr. Gardner, you talk a lot like a lawyer.” Me: “Judge, I have been told otherwise.” Celebrating my victory in a restaurant down the street, my waitress, Anna, presents me with a 4 page whiskey menu. I tell Anna that I’m looking for something I haven’t tried. Note to re-examine my life after reviewing the first half of the menu without finding any brand I haven’t had. I decide to forego the expensive bourbon and send the money to Trey Gregory and D.A.D. Feeling even better. You can do it on your phone. Easy. Anna suggests some single barrel small batch something and brings it to me straight up in a glass without me even asking. My new favorite waitress in my new favorite place. Feeling really good. Then, I get a text from my son: “Going to lake. Found 4 cigars on your desk. I left you one.” Ouch. Lunch over. Anna presents my check, humming a song by The Human League, playing in the restaurant. Me: “you seem too young to know that song.” Anna: “My dad used to play it.” Ouch again. I leave Charlottesville, like Frank Beamer - not being able to remember the last time i lost there. But also like Beamer, I can’t remember much of anything anymore. #ringadingding

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