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  • Scott Gardner

Practicing in SW Va. - Humor

4:10 AM Awakened by the dog’s nose in my face. He’s got to go out. I stop off at the bathroom to go myself...well, because I’m old. Evidently, Scruffy, who’s developing a sense of humor, isn’t having any of it. He trots into the bathroom, tilts his head, and lifts his leg on the toilet and my feet.




Five hours later, I’m standing on those feet, in front of the judge, in bankruptcy court. Because I’m old, I’m usually the only attorney in the room carrying a paper file. All the rest have tablets and laptops. Today, because I’m only asking for a continuance, I’m not holding anything at all. As I’m talking to the judge, I get a message from my office, requesting I cover another case. The judge starts asking me financial questions. With nothing to look at to even fake an answer, the US trustee, standing next to me, feeling sorry for me, starts whispering information from his file, like Holly Hunter to William Hurt in Broadcast News. I’m giving the judge financial figures to the penny on several accounts. The judge asks if I will stand by my answers and I reply, “Judge, if you can’t trust your government....”. Apparently, the judge was not in a humorous mood. On my way back from court, I make two stops. First, the garage where a guy named Rooster gives me $200 for the title to my Acura, which broke down on the road last month. He apparently has a great sense of humor. The last time I had a car breakdown on the road, I sold it for $200 and a bottle of bourbon. My negotiating skills have deteriorated. Not so funny. The second stop was by state trooper at an accident. He waved me over and said, “what did you just say to me? “”I didn’t say anything.” He leaned in a bit like Buford T. Justice talking to the Bandit. “You were looking right at me and said something.””Excuse me sir, officer sir, I was singing to the radio...you know, I will be your Dixie chicken, if you will be my Tennessee lamb.” No sense of humor. None. When I get home, my favorite ex neighbor, who’s name rhymes with Amy Harper, is waiting to give me a bottle of Woodford malt. She's the best and so is this bottle. Day saved. Marked down as a win.

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